Okay, the commercial is done and we all came back to the shop and had wine. It was the single most stressful thing I've done in the last five years. You'd think because of how much the damn thing costs, but it was putting my body on film that I had no control over.I had six models including me, and four of them were personal trainers,eeek. wish me luck, I need to up the success of my store!!

Well today is the commercial! and I thought one of my models wasn't going to show up so I got another, then the first one came back so I have one too many, I am hoping that I will get cut, I can't believe the girls want to do this, I would rather do anything but!! I have always been camera shy.

What a nightmare day! I wasn't planning on binging and purging but it cought me off guard.and my store was open, I can't believe I jepordised my business and my reputation like that. At least no one walked in. Isn,t that crazy I was glad I had no customers, that is totally the wrong attitude.

Well its Monday again! I am bored with everything. I need something exciting to happen to me. I would have been excited to do the commercial ( tomorrow at one o'clock) if it wasn't for the fact that my husbend is making me be in it. I don't mind running around town in my little workout stuff but I don't want to be flashed across a TV screen in it. What is it they say the camera adds 10 pounds. So enough complaining, on a good note I more than made my short term goal I promised myself I would be 112 by today and when I weighed I was 110.I am going to try for another three pounds by next monday, bringing me to 107. When I'm 107 and below I can wear my faveorite suede pants for fall.I have them in3 different colors I like them so much.

I had reserved today to binge and purge so I came in to my store early and, even though I havent done this for about 6 months it sure felt good, I feel really calm now. When I  only binge and purge once a week I tend to shed Lbs. I hope it works the same way now. I think I will just keep friday mornings as my once a week mia day!

What the hell! I have been eating so carefully and the scale said 2 pounds heavier! I am hoping that It is because I forgot to weigh before I chugged a liter of water, and also I drank 3 Dirty martini's last night (salt). I am really quite disgusted with myself. I did do 1 hour on the piloties reformer this morning. I am truely hating this time of year it is the slowist time for upscale retail. Everyone is more concerned with buying school supplies than dropping big bucks on brazilian workout clothes. I haven't seen a soul today, and it's almost 1:00, Shit, I can't survive this way. We are filming a commercial next week so hopefully once thats on the air things will pick up. It's really stressing me out but I haven't grazed, I brought cucumber slices so if I do decide to have something I can salt them and pretend they are potato chips.

I have got to adjust my attitude! Why did I ever give my whole life to a man? I think of that old Egales song that says "every form of refuge has it's price" My new attitude is thus, I will appreciate the refuge and quit pretending that we will ever have a special close, or intimate relationship. He got blasted on Cognac at dinner on Saturday and told me that what was important was his business and making money and our relationship fell far below in what he feels is important to him. I am just going to work on me now, My business, My diet and body, the things I enjoy and just move along as if I'm single with a busy roommate. Only be happy that this particular roommate pays all of the bills. I truly loved him with all my heart but now I'm seeing that I loved the image I had of us.

I can tell i'm beginning to obsess again, Now I just want it to roll on over to my eating. It always starts slowly I start feeling really large, then I start counting my calories, then finally I start to restrict and add to my exercise routine. I want to just get it going, I know all of my components are lineing up for a relapse, and I feel relieved, It always helps me to crawl into my ED and let the rest of the world go.
              I still haven't heard anything from the non payment lady!! I am getting ready to hound her, I gave her a week long of ms. nicey nice so on Monday she gets to meet Ms. bill collector!

I am having a really crummy day!! We have been having power outtages because of the heat I guess everyone is using too much power. Anyway I spend about 45minutes selling some outfits to a lady I sort of know, anyway My computer was off due to the power situation, Hey no problem I just take a hard copy of her card and plan to manually enter it into my comp later. She leaves with $314. of my merchandise. and guess what her card was declined. This was last week, I have called her and made her aware, she says I'll be in tomorrow to bring you cash  that was monday, since then she won't answer her phone,  I thought I'd run the card again and see if perhaps she had made a payment and it would go through. SHE CANCELLED IT. Her husbend owns his own plane for cripes sake! Makes me want to binge bad, People suck!

How did this happen? From 62 lbs to 105 lbs, you cant let your guard down EVER!